Explaining Easter to Your Children in 5 Easy Steps

Here is a re-post of something I wrote in 2008. It offended a good many people then, and I’m sure it will offend them now.

A friend of mine was recently wrestling with how to explain Easter to her 3 year-old son. He had recently been exposed to the Easter Bunny, and was curious about this giant rabbit who was handing out candy. My friend, being a very smart person, was uncomfortable about exposing her son to the far-fetched fairy tales of Easter as a religious holiday, as well as the insipid commercialism that is an excuse to sell tons of candy to children.  Sensing her dilemma, I came up with a list of ways to explain the various facets of Easter to her son (as well as all children with questions about the holiday, Jesus or God). Keep in mind that I don’t have children of my own; but if I ever do, these are the things I will tell them.

#1 – Easter is for Zombies – Tell your child that Easter is the official holiday of zombies, which, considering it celebrates the resurrection of Christ, it is. Show him or her Dawn of the Dead, and explain that the zombies are people who celebrate Easter, because in reality Christians are pretty much the same as brain-dead zombies. Dawn of the Dead is the best film for teaching this valuable lesson, and you can also use it as a way to teach your child about the dangers of consumerism. The next time they want to go to the mall, tell them, “Okay, but I think the zombies might be there.”

#2 – Carrots Not Candy – If your child sees the Easter Bunny at the mall, or maybe on TV, and is desperate for the mutated creature to come bring him or her some candy, there is a very simple way to deal with this. Tell your child that the Bunny came by while they were sleeping, and was worried that candy would give them a tummy ache, so he left carrots instead. Then tell your child that carrots are good for your eyesight, and can protect you from zombies.

#3 – Flesh-Eating Easter Bunny – If for some reason your kid does not believe the thing about the carrots—and let’s be honest, all those growth hormones are making kids brains develop differently these days—there is another, more drastic way to deal with the Easter Bunny. Tell your child that the Easter Bunny ate too much candy, went crazy from all the sugar, and ended up going on a killing rampage. Then show them this picture from Monty Python and the Holy Grail as proof, and explain, “Just because something is cute, does not mean it won’t eat your flesh.” This will scare the shit out of them, and they won’t want anything to do with the Easter Bunny or candy for a long time.

#4 – Jesus Wore a Dress – If, by some twist of fate, your kid asks anything about Jesus, tell them the truth: Jesus was a guy who wore a dress and hung out with twelve other guys, who all wore dresses, and they would sit around and drink wine. Jesus was killed for the things he said and did when he was hanging out with other guys while wearing a dress. After he was dead, he came back to life, which makes him a zombie.

#5 – Who is God? – Should you need to explain God to your child, tell them that God is what people who don’t believe in themselves turn to when the going gets rough; but there is as much to learn from Bruce Lee as there is to learn from God—and Bruce Lee was real.

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